06 Goldmine

In life, we go through what we call ups and downs. A lot of those actually. More ups than downs for some, more downs than ups for most though. But really, what defines an 'up' and what, a 'down'. When a down works out as a lesson, an experience, that makes future decisions easier, isn't it a potential up?

When we're in a dysfunctional relationship; constantly bickering over the micro-issues, being obsessive, possessive, and insecure about the most inconsequential things - but still in a space of deep love from time to time, still unable to survive when we're not around each other; is it really a downer when things come to a stop? Aren't we then able to move on to doper pastures? Sure, we'll sink into a dark and lonely abyss - we shut off everything and everyone - only till we meet that one-in-a-mil human being to lift us up again, it all works in a strange way.

We have 'fun' when we're pimped with the cash (good job, illegal means or even the bloody toto), head on out here and there, be 'seen' at the 'be seen' places, extravagant dates and house parties, etc. Are we then on the down-low when we all out of the cash money? I verily verily seriously believe that life is more exciting when we're broke. Think thinking about whether or not to smoke another fag just cause there won't be enough left for later, imagine how fucking delicious it would be to inhale that poison when we come to our last. Taking a bus and then rocking a long walk home just to save for a bit on the cab fare is a joy i can never explain, we all need to touch home sometimes if you know what i mean. The joy itself of making the best out of 10 dollars on a day out easily feels like a million dollars. There's heaps of examples, you get my point innit?

Can't we all just believe in ourselves. Do what we want to do; to not hurt the people that we deem instrumental in our lives, and just be our very natural beings. If what you love doing keeps you in a space of constantly being broke and barely breaking even every time we get the dough - keep doing it I say; there will never be enough lessons in life. Music for example, our passion could be our bonus lottery. Here we are, doing the thing that we love and doing one thing or another on the side just to make ends meet; and hey someday, who knows? People may like your art, and we could then have the ability to be a full time craftsmen for our love of art. Take things in our stride, bide our time, learn from everything. Always do what comes naturally - for everything. There is no right or wrong. We will never find out, if we don't jump into it. Its then, we realize the true prize of chasing every dream is finding ourselves; filling up on our mind's capacity.

05 why

Why are you so beautiful inside.
Why are you so beautiful.
Why do i feel like i know you.
Why do i feel like you know me.
Why do i feel like we should be a part of something more.
Why do i know in a day.
Why are you perfectly imperfect.
Why are you able to make me feel, again.

Why did i fucking meet you?

04 for you

i like being alone too much to be with someone. of course, things were real, whilst falling in and out of love the past years; i now enjoy spending time with myself, buying me a gift, taking me out to lunch and yeah watching a film with me . let the magic work its magic. i'll keep holding my glass up for that missing clink, but till then, whatever matters anymore?

03 not denying

Memories can only stay memories.
We long to live on memories, when realities hit.

I live in a world of memories

02.1 Pandan

What is, 'working towards my future priority' all about then? What is an ideal future? What is an ideal future to you isn't what an ideal one could be for anyone else. Rich folk, pass-it-on rich folk, wannabe rich folk per se, all in love with they money and 'work toward a future' of making more money. Other folk are happy and rich, too, in and via different ways, if you know what I mean. Genuinely happy as well. So spot on about what I was thinking about, you know.

Joy, a pleasure, that would not be found, but felt, is the natural thing that we aim for, without trying too hard in the process as well. Thats how it is right, being happy? It comes for us. Its still a personal choice though; do what you want, smile how you want to smile, and how quick. Manu-fuckin-facture that shit, I don't care.

02 Meaning

We always like to think we're unappreciated scholars; that we know a lot about certain things, be it skills, be it quirky, eccentric knowledge or maybe even an artsy abstract vibe. That being said, we then go on to abuse that (even) unaccredited right to shit on everyone else whom we may think know lesser than us. Is that how the fuck we should behave or is it just a subconscious alter ego-elitist thats living among us; and that if we remove that felon in our souls or hearts, we may die? How can we then be that someone that everyone will grow to like or appreciate? Who do we want to appreciate us in the first place? And for what? What i do know for now is that, having that other half is well important but most unlikely, essential. Sure we can do with someone holding our hand, resting on our shoulder whilst taking the long train ride down to the beach; having a daily confidante to share about the stresses of our days; we crave and long for a regular fuck too, of course while living a lifestyle of Singledom. Aren't we men all fucking selfish cunts?

Ok, off the track there for a bit. Back to the notion of 'Women striving for affection, and men refusing to acknowledge', I guess, come end of the day, it does work out as well, taking the train alone; enjoying the nice sights of a simple stroll down the park where we don't have to respond to any judgemental comments on 'being too much of an artist' where everything noticed is naturally beautiful; and yes, just chilling in the sofa for a little as we drift into sleep, leaving the laptop on with marathon episodes of 'Entourage' in the background? I can't even imagine not being able to regularly pick the brains of Kerouac, London and Co. on a comfortable Sunday afternoon trip to the bar. We cant do all that stuff while we're with someone can't we? What an unnecessary pardox of no fucking complex isn't it?

Sure enough, we never forget our first loves, first two loves in fact, maybe. And there will definitely be repercussions of rippling emotional hurt and despair, which will altercate into the normal living of our lives, finding that so-called destiny we were all meant to seek. We end up not taking up a prestigious overseas scholarship, because we're in love with the hometown sweetheart; we give up chances of business prospects and even risk losing our friends, our fucking brotherhood! Just because a girl says that we don't spend enough time with them. Is it all worth it?

I say it is.

When souls connect, when we join as one as we make sweet fucking love, when I hold your hand over dinner, when you kiss my nose just as we split after every date, I get feelings I can never decipher. It affects me. We don't have to get into character of that unappreciated scholar or the guy who impresses the whole bunch of inconsequential accquaintainces with the smartest jokes. I just do what comes naturally. Yeah I guess happiness is about making choices for your days - just smile and keep on walking isn't it? Anything at all, any circumstances, royalties or people coming in and gradually out of our lives, do not count. Rather, its whether when we are doing the particular thing that we do, or being with the particular person that we love or want and long to see - that we truly become the best version of ourselves.